| long time no see. |
[Mar. 19th, 2006|07:51 pm] |
i havnt written in here in a long ass time..
i think its mostly when im feeling lonely and depressed...
now is the time.
I hate this but there is nothing i can do except write a little and sleep on it.. i know ill feel better.. but i was getting to thinking.. since i was taking medication... and i knew how it felt.. did i train myself to ditract my mind from being depressed.. and when i start thinking about things.. and not glazing over my life thats when i get depressed.. ? weird way of putting that but thats the only way i know how to put that out there.. I think i was a more interesting person when i was depressed becuase i had a lot more thoughts flowing through my head.. and now.. they just kind of have halted.. well not realy but like they slowed down a lot.. and my thoughts have gotten way more simplistic.. which is stupid.. but maybe it is cause the K.. I havnt been able to figure out if K really did have that big of an affect on me.. or if it was that i just gre up and got more mature.. and learned from my experiences..
Well anyways.. Im feeling down in the dumps.. im feeling like no one likes me.. im feeling off in my own depressed world.. im feeling useless.. worthless.. I m feeling sensative.. weak.. sad.. everything and everything.. I feel sick.. i feel like i have no friends.. i feel like im no ones freind.. im feeling jealous.. im feeling distant. all the possible choices any one woudl Avoid at all costs.. i feel those horrible feelings..
PMS SUCKS. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 7th, 2005|10:35 pm] |
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lets see. im going back home in the end of november. i want to go and francis wants me to go. i think he woudl like me to go sooner.. but whatever.. i dont know. Im scared to go back, but im excited at the same time. it will be differnt.. it will be hard, but easier. I dont know how to think of it right now. I wont be able to do things i do now. i wont have anyone to take care of like i do now. i feel like i give and give but the way we are. i give for nothing.. and im not appriciated as i shoudl be.. he thinks im selfish, but im not.. i may look after my self a lot, and make sure im happy, but its for my safety, for my well being, why cant he see that.. ? im not a selfish or rude person. i love to give and share and make other people feel good. but the way we are.. we do not make a good combination.. we do not fit well together, and we haev been forcing it for months, because we both care about eachother, but not in the relationship kind of way. its weird, because i try and make him say it, but he says, no.. he loves me and whatever, but i see it differnt, i know what being in love with someone is and this is definatly not it..this is like a friendship, pretending to be a relationship. So it has to end somewhere. and in november.. thats when it will happen.. Ill be on my way, and move on.. and he will or will not decide to move on too. who knows if we will still be together. Ive been waiting for him to open his eyes, and see me, but he thinks that im the one that does not understand, and im the one refusing to learn and understand him. I know how a loving relationship can be, i know how they should be, and we do not have an inkling of it :( it makes me fucking sad to write that, but its true.. our situation is weird, always has been. maybe it was the biggest mistake of my life, or maybe it was something was was meant to happen, so i have time to figure out myself and straighten up and be prepared more for life. But right now here, i feel so unprepared for life, and scared. i dread living on my own working, i wish i would die before i have to make it on my own, not depend on others to supply me with something to help me get along. I wont be able to party, i dont really care about that.. maybe francis will come see me in sd.. i doubt that though.. im sure he will end things, if not i will not before too long. :( I love him, but not in a partner way.. :( He tries so hard, but it falls way below my expectations. I need someone who is above and beyond, someone with strength, and power, someone who can lift my spirits, lead me in the right direction, push me a little bit, encourage me, learn with me, be with me, be a part of me. With francis, i feel nothing. i feel like we are two seperate people. and thats how friends feel. I have once felt a part of another, and that feeling is the most beautiful one in the entire world, to feel that bond. connection so close that you ache when they are away and they bring complete joy when they enter the room. and im not talking about the beginning stages of a relationship.. this can be done throughout a relationship. and that has never been here. I feel alone. i feel the need to be held, and when i ask him to hold me.. he does not know how, and it feels like a stranger hugging me. feels cold and unloving, so i move away, and hold myself in my thoughts, thinking that i will feel better at home. maybe in the arms of my mom. It needs to end, my mind is more important than anything and my mind is not settled, so change is needed. no more suffering, putting myself in this akward position of being touched by someone that does not feel for me as i try to feel for them. Its hard to talk and them say they understand but then not do anything about the situation. He is forced to do things that i like. comb my hair, rub my back, he does not enjoy making me happy, i make him happy in any way.. :( All he does is dance for me.. sure that does the trick.. but i need some emotional happiness here. :( I need to feel loved. to be showed im loved. not jsut by giving me a home and food and fucking me. thats not right. thats not how things should be. this is not how any couple is. we are not a couple. this is rediculus. im done. im gonna go to sleep now. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 26th, 2005|11:43 pm] |
the population on klik does not know how to communicate like normal human beings. or maybe its just me.
i know its over a computer and a screen. but when i say i want romance.. they all go crazy and want to live horrid lives or something.. can they not dream? do they want to live romanceless lives? is there no want to be happy.. no want to be treated like someone loves you deeply? no want to be treated with respect? do they not know what romance is? romance.. is.. kisses.. love.. opening doors..candlelit dinners.. special dates, loving touchs, compliments, lust, all together.. its beautiful, and acheivable. if these people want to think that something like this is unnatainable, then i wish them a horrid life alone.
Rediculus. i say REDICULUS!
ARG!!!!
whatever im done with them.. im fine jsut typing my thoughts.. it might as well be here where idiots cant misenterprit my writings.. :)
PLURR PEACE LOVE UNITY AND ROMANCE. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 30th, 2005|11:40 am] |
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i cant make it to my dmv thing.. i cant even get back to court to pay 40 dollars to start comuunity service.. this sucks.. nothing goes right.. i jsut sit here... i cant take the bus.. thats no place for me.. i cant even find the right schedules for it either.. >_< why is this so diffucult... this sucks.. i just need to get there... i should go hitchike.. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 29th, 2005|10:07 pm] |
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im at matts. we were gonna go to respect last night.. but then it got late.. and yeah.. i got poopy.. they are smoking kush right now.. i smell.. it.. im gonan go get a hit.. ahha.. nm.. :(
hmm... we went to sonic. im full. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 2nd, 2005|12:04 am] |
| [ | this is me |
| |  cheerful | ] |
| [ | <3 music to my ears <3 |
| | Singing Satelite!!! | ] |
what party was this weekend?.. ummm 2 up and total recall. i had SO much fun at total recall.. i waited for starburst untill 1 something.. and when he got there.. yeay ^_^ PLURE I hung out with some e tards.. and felt like i was rolling.. ahhahah.. i had fun.. didnt hang out with kiddo much.. it tends to happen that way<_<.. i dunno.. we dont party together well.. or something.. we partied good on saturday. .. that was fun.. ^_^.. I do love hanging out with him.. he is SO much fun.... :) HE dances! he's a PLurE Francis!ooOOOooooOOO Hes my favorite person.. and i have him 24/7!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ANd it's making me wanna DANCE!!....And i LOVE WATCHING HIM SPIN.. and i love watching him draw.. i love watching him walk.. i love watching him dance.. do lines.. singing...hahahah... Everything.. hes so funny looking i love it!!!dont get me wrong.. hes SEXY AS ALL HELL!!!!!!his skin is so yummy.. he is yummy.. i want to eat him up eat him up eat him up YUM YUM ^_^ is my face for what i feel about him..
I shroomed on saturday morning.. on the car ride from san bernardino to lancaster to home.. it was so much fun.. and the whole time i was tripping balls.. i was thinking about how much i adore kiddo.. how much im an idiot for making little conflicts.. and how i need to appreciate everything.. because he is so kind and giving to me.. he gives me so much.. ^_^ *sigh* Im so happy. He seems happy. depression. no more. im glad that shit is passed over.. it was making things hard.
And its making me wanna dance! <----total recall.. to that song ^_^
FUNNNNNN!!!!! I tried nos too.. that was fun.. hahahah.. 
PLURE!!! I love parties lateley...!! they have been UBER fun!!! We met this couple from the UK.. i wanna move there in june or soemthing.. maybe when kiddo and i finish school....what about his decks.. what about him.. i have nothing to lose if i go.. but he wants to go if i go... he could possibly get bigger if he moves there.. but would have to start producing SICK ass tracks to get on top.. I have no money.. >_< kevin has 230 of mine.. BAH.. im an idiot! Pez cant move into his mom's... Umm... yeah thats it for now i guess.... wait no... i have to end it on a happier note....
i got my journal back from trojan man! yeay....this weekend.. it was me nd kiddo and matt! we had trojan man's car!! hahaahah weird situation.. and yeah.. matt spent the night.. and then we woke up at like 7 to go pick up josh and go to the party... he thought we went to mexico to pick up!! hahahahahahahahahahahah he was freaking out when none of us picked up our phones!! okay.. till next time !! |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 22nd, 2005|01:11 am] |
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This is from Hot N Cheezy, i had fun :)
  <----GET out of my pretty picture you two!!!
 ooOOOoo
This is pretty gross.. and it smelled cheesy... >_<
this is at battle for indoor thankyou..hehe
  <---i like this one :)
 This is at battle for indoor.. Im a DJ! hhaahhaha Argggggg
  <--Connected
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| dumb |
[Feb. 15th, 2005|05:46 am] |
| [ | this is me |
| |  annoyed | ] |
| [ | <3 music to my ears <3 |
| | nothing.. im not in the mood for music. | ] |
my life is too boring to have a journal.
thats why i guess i dont write in it anymore.
my eyes hurt like.. really bad.
i have a 6g barbell in my tongue.
kiddo has a 4g:) hes on his way up there.
i want to get a new mod...
i want to get my hair cut.
i want a car.
i want a license.
Im going to mission college.
Kevin has my check.
i have no money.
i have no job.
Pez calls me to say goodnight.
and goodmorning.
he still loves me.
He longs for me when he sees me from afar.
kiddo is mean sometimes.
im mean too.
we dont do that much k.
there are dumb rumors.
we smoke a lot of pot.
on the weekends.
i got a steamroller.
kiddo broke my pipe:(
kiddo got himself a pipe. :(
and i got a steam roller.
its cool though.
my life is simple.
maybe too simple.
im happy though.
isnt that what counts?
i dont know.
i missed two court dates. >_<
the papers were lost in the apartment.
Pez is still living in that place.
people stopped partying...
People are changing..
I guess they have already changed.
its hard to get used to that, when you though you knew them.. now they are a totally different person.
I got a phone.
i got my social security card.
I shoudl be getting my identification card in the next few days.
My teeth hurt every day.
they bleed.
I need to go to the dentist.
my eyes hurt. again.
i want to go shopping for clothes.
shimmer is cute.
bonkers is my new buddy.
I rolled on saturday o_O... old times.. hahaha
I think im out of things to write now. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 11th, 2005|12:38 am] |
stoned..
kiddo is spinning.. mouse is on the couch.. |
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| wow, im updating |
[Jan. 3rd, 2005|09:49 pm] |
mayumi said so. and im bored.
im staying with kiddo.
i have no job. well i do when i decide to go back...... hahhaha
new years was chill.. i smoked myself retarded the whole way through. jsut liek every other party, nothign special. did a bump of k like 2 seconds before zero. i forgot we were supposed to kiss... kiddo turned my head and we kissed at midnight.... heheheheh we were with dewey and ariel... i wanted to be with bonkers and kreature and shereif.. but.. blah... they were walking in another direction.... im bored. kiddo is spinning.. i wanna spin but i dont wanna learn i guess... well i do .. its confusing.. if i dont get it right away, then i figure.. why bother... blah....pez is weird now...if i didnt have to pay for tao i wouldnt be so bummeb but now im down 50 bucks... matt was inside the party and we had no way of contacting him... and when i got in..kiddo goes.. matt is outside for you. that sucks.. and i knew it was gonna happen..
there is nothing really going on in my life... and i guess thats goood... wait no... shit
i have two tickets.. fuck me.
i dont wanna deal with them.. and i most likely wont.. i have to get my license in order to fix one... and the other is a fine... shit me.. grr i hate dealing with things... i just want some k. wow. this has been rediculus... no k and im with kiddo.... o_O hahhahahah funny yeah?
people are all talking about how much k i do.. its funny.. and i havnt been doing anymore than i was before.. ahahha
anyways....klik wont let me post damnit. damnit damnit.damnit. bye.
i <3 kiddo |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 30th, 2004|04:21 pm] |
im leaving my house.... today. spanky is picking me up. im cleaning. and packing.
thats it. call me if you worry or care. or whatever. 619-218-3433... ill be with him for a while, dj thumper offered me his place.. he moves in the 25th, but thats in lancaster.. mouse offered to pick me up today.. or tomorrow or friday.. but i guess he doesnt have to anymore.. wow.. t his is nuts.. grrr im so pissed at my mom... whatever.. shes dumb. |
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| OHIO |
[Jun. 25th, 2004|11:41 am] |
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ohio ohio.. umm trip of my life.. i sat on the edge of the cliff for like an hour and a half and tripped ballz. hahahhahaha it was great.. and then i headed back towards the camp site and talked to athena, sat at the campfire for teh rest of the night..... talked and laughed.. and yeah it was fun stuff....
cedar point was fun too.. it wotn let me host pics.. cause its a bmp file.. oh well. i need to go to 24 hour fitness... well first i need to find refrences.... ahhh i dont know who to put....o_O..:( i suck balls. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 7th, 2004|05:52 pm] |
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 look at my BAD tan.. hahahah
 and then... my little butt... hahahahah not.. hahaha
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 7th, 2004|05:39 pm] |
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there are more.. too...
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 19th, 2004|07:29 pm] |
i cant stand this anymore.
and i have no clue at what to do. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 8th, 2004|02:52 pm] |
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im in tejas, im my sis's dorm now.. its like a fucking hotel its soo nice.. honors dorm.. man.. the others are shitty and ugly and concrete stuff.. hahha, shes moving into an apartment though.. the car isnt working were leaving to sa tomorrow morning, i stayed up till 3 last night making kandy, micheal and her are in class right now, shes comign back around 330 or something... the water wont work.. hheheh i made a shirt too fun suff.. hehehe okay i miss pez.. bye now. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 27th, 2004|04:40 pm] |
You are Ernie, the reason the party's actully
happening. You don't get paid, but "the
nod" is all you need.
Remeber, there are no obstacles, only challenges.
What Groove character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
i watched it the other night and my mom came in.. she said there was too many drug things going on and couldnt watch it. i love her. |
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<---this is the best picture ever!
